Portrait of My Soul

In Parker Palmer’s book, A Hidden Wholeness, he compares the soul to a wild animal and describes the soul as being both resilient and shy.

“Just like a wild animal, [the soul] seeks safety in the dense underbrush, especially when other people are around.  If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out.  But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently at the base of a tree, breathe with the earth, and fade into our surroundings, the wild creature we seek might put in an appearance.  We may see it only briefly and only out of the corner of an eye—but the sight is a gift we will always treasure as an end in itself.”

I had a moment a few years back where I recognized the state of my shy soul and took a photograph of the nature scene that served as an actual portrait of my soul. I realized and said to myself, “That’s how my soul feels!” The photo included in this article is the photo I took at that time.

I looked out the window and knew, finally, how to name what I had been experiencing over the past several months. I had tried all of the things I knew to do to help me understand what was going on deep inside of me.

I prayed. I walked. I worshipped. I read Scripture. I tried to talk to friends, to my wife, to my spiritual director. I despaired. I consumed coffee. I pouted. I drifted.

Something was going on deep inside of me that I could not wrap my mind or my words around.

Then I saw it. I grabbed my camera and captured the moment. Now I sit with this image and let God reveal new things about the work He is doing in “groanings too deep for words” (Rom 8:26). I see the barrenness that I feel, but I see other things in this image as well.

I see the hope of spring that follows winter.

I see the evergreen tree near by, a reminder of the constancy of God’s love.

I see the fog that sometimes obscures my vision.

I see the palm trees and the hope they offer to those traveling the wilderness/desert.

I see another tree, barren and leafless, at the edge of the image, a call to community in my loneliness.

I see the car in the background, unaware of when I took the picture, promising a way of escape… temptation hiding in plain sight. I wish I could edit that part out, but it’s true to the picture and the state of my soul.

I see how my soul feels and grow in awareness of self and awareness of God.

In this season of transition from the barrenness of winter to the promise of spring, what are you noticing?

What is the portrait of your soul?